Honesty and the Gap

Baby blues aren't limited to moms after delivery.  I'm experiencing my own postadoption slump.  Everlee continues to do well, so well in fact, that I feel guilty for struggling myself.  The hard part for me is managing two so close in age.  I know moms have their kids back-to-back all the time, so I certainly am not crying 'Oh, woe is me.'  I know I'm not alone.  Many of you are pros at this, but it is a new, frustrating dynamic for me.  One I am trying to navigate with patience.  And I fail.  My boys are four years apart. There was never the competitiveness, the vying for my lap, fits over not having the same color popsicle, shoving for the same toy, wanting what the other has constantly... all the things that come with children close in age.  God Bless you mamas who experience this daily.  I was meant to have my gaps.

Had a heart-to-heart with my boys too, while I've been in this rut.  While E was napping a couple of days ago, we sat on the porch swing and talked.  I felt an overwhelming sensation to ask them if they felt loved.  

Beck said, "Not as much as I used to.  Ever since Everlee came, you have to take care of her all the time."  

"I'm sorry.  It's hard to share my attention... but do you feel loved?"  

"Of course Mom, but I miss you."  

Dagger to my heart.  I miss them too.  

Penn had a specific complaint.  "When I sit in your lap, I don't like how she always comes and tries to sit on you too."

I didn't want to taint their mind with the negative, but I did want to know how they felt.  Wanted to be real.  To hear them, their perspective.  So, after we shared our sad feelings, I turned the conversation around to the warm, fuzzy ones. (Because you do feel both.  Just like postpartum... Uncontrollable joy about your new addition in one moment; disconnected, wanting to cry for no reason the next.)    

"What is your favorite thing about Everlee?"

Beck loves her laugh when Daddy is silly with her.  Penn said playing with her.  (Which is ironic, because their playing equates to me refereeing.  Interesting.)  They smiled in agreement when Beck mentioned liking to help wake her from her nap.  They'll race up the stairs to partake!  They both do sincerely enjoy having her in our family.  

My favorites are her dimples and her mischievous smirk when she continues to do something I've asked her not to.  I also love her determination.  And in an appreciative way, I like how her arrival has slowed our pace down.  Certainly hasn't slowed my steps, but has slowed our family's pace.  

Now, we've always said four.  Four children.  And I still feel that.  But, give me a couple years.  I need my gap.